The Tale of the Screwnicorn Who Screws No More

What's the perfect gift for a unicorn loving wine fiend? I'll tell you: A Screwnicorn. Maybe it's because I'm petty, but I believe there is no elation like that which comes from winning a round of gift giving — when I can honestly say, "Oh em gee... I found the perfect gift for you." Giving Screwnicorn to Tara for her birthday last summer was like delivering a soul to its mate. When Screwnicorn uncorks a bottle, you don't just get wine, you get sparkles and whimsy, glitter and rainbows... and everything else Lisa Frank.

Just look how stoked these fellas are to FINALLY have found Screwnicorn:

 

As you can tell from the title of this post, this story does not have a happy ending. Still, I feel it's only fair to give you proper warning: Screwnicorn doesn't make it. 

Pic #122 - 5/1/12

Screwnicorn during happier times (approximately 3 hours ago). 

Sadly, not everyone was impressed with Screwnicorn. Some (Becca) refused to call her by her name, seeing "it" only as a mechanical device made for uncorking alcoholic beverages. Some declined to thank her for her magical twisty powers. Some feel really really badly now. 

Here's what happened... in pictures. No reenactment was involved — the images below document real people in real time, with real feelings.

Again with the happier times. Corking wine and eating rainbows.

One Miss Becca Pants giggling, because she knows something the rest of us don't.

"Oh crap - I just killed Screwnicorn." 

"I mean, it's not like she didn't have it coming."  

Tara's initial grief at the site of clipped Screwnicorn.

Delirious denial.

Final goodbyes. Because, let's be honest — what kind of life can a screwless screwnicorn really lead? 

In fairness to Becca, Screwnicorn was not this cork's only victim, leading us to believe her demise was not due to malicious intent, but rather a stubborn cork. 

And you thought The Last Unicorn was a sad story. So let this be a lesson to you: Only the good die young. Don't let Becca touch your stuff. Red Leather Yellow Leather. I've got nothing.  

Farewell, Screwnicorn. May you rest in sparkly peace forever.